A letter to my dad

Dad, today marks ten years since you died. A day that changed my life forever, a day that turned my world upside down.

You’d suffered a large bleed to the brain, a brain haemorrhage and was placed into a medically induced coma. You lost the fight a week later, the longest week of my life.

We spent each day with you waiting for you to wake up, hoping you’d be able to move, talk and just be you again. I will never forget that week in ICU, it was like the world had stood still. The doctors took us into a room and told us you wouldn’t survive, there was no longer any brain activity. You died in the early hours the next day.

A day I will never forget- 1st July 2010.

Building sandcastles at the seaside
You on a microlight in France
You with your dog, Tina

Dad, you weren’t supposed to leave us that way and so soon, you were only 48, you had the rest of your life to live. You still had a lot left to do, finish travelling the world, enjoy retirement, be a grandad to your grandson-my nephew. You might not have thought it, but we still needed you. We still need you now.

Sure, you’ve travelled a lot of places and lived your life to the full but you weren’t done, not by a long shot.

I like to think you are still travelling somewhere, you are free of pain and surrounded by sunshine and happiness.

Maybe you have met Phil Lynott and you are drinking beer whilst singing to Thin Lizzy songs. You always made me laugh when you sang and played your air guitar to the songs, you’d get right into it, so serious. I still cant bring myself to listen to some of your favourite songs.

I picked Brothers In Arms by Dire Straits to be played at your funeral. We chose poppies to cover your coffin, I still have them in a vase in my living room.

I wonder how life would be if you were still here, we’d have celebrated your 50th birthday, you’d nearly be 60 now. I was 26 when you died, we’ve missed a lot of time we should have had with you. That time was ripped away from us.

I miss you so much, you left a massive hole in my heart. It took me a long time to smile again, to not feel guilty living life without you when I started to be happy again. When you first went travelling, you told me to look at the moon when I was missing you. We’d be looking at the same moon so I didn’t feel too far away from you. I still do that now. Sometimes I feel you are with me, it brings me comfort for a while and then you are gone again.

I have all the memories, the holidays in Cornwall and trips abroad to see you, the happy times, the drinks nights and when I stayed over when you were back home. That time you worked across from my work and waved your digger bucket at me when I looked out the window.

Lisa and I tried to get to Cornwall this week to celebrate your life but there is a pandemic on and it got cancelled. We should be sat in a hot tub drinking wine and on the beach reminiscing about you, chatting about the memories whilst laughing and crying.

We have other plans to mark it during July, you know about those because you know what we are like! Hopefully I’ll get to Cornwall next year with Lisa and we can also celebrate getting through these strange times we are in at the moment.

A lot has changed in the decade since you died, the Ipad came out just before you died, we’ve had royal weddings and babies, Lisa got married and had Brogan, an aeroplane went missing, we had a total solar eclipse, craft ale became popular (you’d have liked trying all the new beers), brexit happened, there was a terrorist attack in Manchester, Spice Girls toured (yeah, we went) and now we have corona virus and the world is in lock down. Lots of famous people have died too including Prince, David Bowie, Robin Williams, Whitney Houston, George Michael, Victoria Wood, Caroline Aherne and Rik Mayall.

I miss you so much. I’m happy dad, life is good. Been to see Grandma whenever I can and I see Heather now and again, the rest of the family is good. Uncle Ken and Nanna followed you a while ago, hope you’ve met up with dragon too 🙂

I just want to thank you for being the best Dad ever and for giving me the best life I could ever wish for. I’ll never ever forget you and your beautiful bright blue eyes and your massive hugs.

I hope you will be waiting for me when i’m ready to come travelling with you, i’ll bring the beers.

Until then, keep smiling and stay happy Dad.

9 thoughts on “A letter to my dad

  1. I lost my dad, 2 years ago, this month. This is such a heartfelt post. And such a personal one. Losing a loved one is never easy, more so, if it is a parent. I feel your words here, because my father too passed away of a medical condition and too soon, he was only 50. He still had his whole life to live. The pain never leaves you, I know and that’s why I mean it when I say – You have my thoughts.


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